


Project Davekat

by MakeAStriderSmile



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Davekat Week, Humanstuck, I am ashamed of myself, M/M, but yep heres the first day of my davekat week entries, i just hope i get them all written, i just love dirkhal so much, i really am happy i got the chance to do this, it was my self indulgent addition, thanks kylie u precious meme, there is honestly so much dirkhal in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 21:37:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4682318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MakeAStriderSmile/pseuds/MakeAStriderSmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas is a fairly well known Let's Player on Youtube, though not really well known to the point of certain other Youtubers (none of which we will name.)</p>
<p>Dave Strider is a makeup artist on Youtube, and has no idea why he, as a boy who can barely tolerate light as is, chose this line of work.</p>
<p>Both of them are broke, and Karkat just happens to have a spare room.</p>
<p>Coincidence? I think not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Project Davekat

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the first day of an event that I am co-modding with some really swell people! If you keep up with my works, you'll see I promoted Davekat Week already, and it's finally upon us! Today is our Humanstuck day, so anyone wanting to send a fic in, just upload it to our collection, and we'll reblog it to the blog. Send it in to us, and we'll get everything tagged and on its way! 
> 
> I'm really excited for this, so anyone that wants to join, be it for writing, drawing or anything else, please join in!

“Okay, so I was going to recommend that everyone play this or something, but I would never wish this horrible experience on anyone, not even the fuckwits that comment on my videos without reading them. But, if you want to have nightmares for the next week, possibly piss yourself, and waste nearly two hours of your life, go ahead. No skin off my back.” He grins, falsely cheerful, at the camera, turning it off and assessing the footage he had gotten over the course of the session.

Yep. There’s Karkat Vantas’s ugly mug as he screeches at yet another terrible horror game for the benefit of his viewers on Youtube.

 

Why anybody would play the Five Nights series, he personally had no idea. Why his fans insisted that he played it with all of the force of a three year old having a tantrum, he also had no idea. All he wanted to do was play psychological horrors with decent gameplay and story behind it, but it seemed that those kinds of videos were his least viewed ones as it was. The shitty games got him views, which got him money, which bought him actually decent games to play on his channel amidst all the terrible ones that got sent to him.

 

So, he played the terrible games, and the cash grabbing games, and sometimes, he even found a surprisingly fun multiplayer game that he could play with Sollux, a fellow Youtuber who lived a couple of cities away from him. He knew all of those games were pretty reliable in terms of views, and so he kept making them.

 

But even with all of that, he still had to take a job as a movie reviewer for the paper, because with the combination of rent, games, not to mention his electricity bill, he was going totally broke.

He left his bedroom/recording room, standing in the doorway of the recently cleared spare room, sighing heavily. As much as he had been hoping to avoid it…. He was going to need a roommate.

 

\-------

 

“Okay, so, finish up with that contouring, don’t forget to keep it light, we’re a mermaid, not a Kardashian. Finish up with a setting powder so all that all this shit won’t be flyin’ or meltin’ off of your face the moment you step outside. Take it from me, I’ve lived in Texas my whole life and that’s a serious issue ‘round here.” Dave Strider grins winningly at the camera, green eyes highlighted with makeup and sparkling with mirth.

 

“If you don’t got settin’ powder, or you can’t afford it, try a spritz of hairspray, or maybe some translucent powder, it’ll set your makeup just fine.” He shrugs, smirking a little, pushing white blond hair out of his eyes.

 

“So, if any of my delightful fans have got a particular style you want me to try, or a product that needs testin’, send a comment my way, or maybe even a private message if you’ve got a pressin’ question, I do try read all of ‘em but I can’t promise you anything. Feel free to hit the like button if you’re interested in this particular brand of swag, subscribe if you’re new and wanna see more of me, and do try share my videos around, spread the love, it means a lot to me. Until the next video, this is Dave Strider, signin’ off for now. Have a fantastic day, all my boys, girls, and every person in between or outside of all that shit.”

 

The camera is turned off, and Dave’s grin becomes a slight grimace, turning off the ring light behind the camera. That had been a lot longer than his usual session, nearly 25 minutes, and that was without the voiceover to go with the makeup portion of the video. He was tired, and he still needed to wash his makeup off before it sank into his pores and made him break out or something.

 

He heads into the bathroom with a soft groan at the brightness of the room, standing in front of the mirror and taking out his green contacts, putting them in their holders and revealing unsettlingly red eyes, stripping off afterwards and getting into the shower to wash off the face paint and makeup. Oranges, yellows and vivid green give way to albino white skin.

He dresses and puts his shades on, sighing slightly in relief as the world becomes comfortably dim again, though a painful throb in his head reminds him that he still had the shades off for much too long.

He constantly wondered to himself why he had chosen a career path that required that he leave his shades off, exposing his eyes to the harsh light. Recording for any longer than fifteen minutes gave him terrible migraines and his night terrors plagued him more consistently. Thankfully, he usually took breaks, though he had been too caught up in the video to take some this time.

 

As he waited for his footage to render, he looked at the comments of his last video, smiling as he saw all of the usual shit.

 

There were men and women alike, commenting that he looked great and they wished that they could do makeup as well as he did, there were men commenting that they were really excited that they could finally pull off a look just like women on Youtube did. Of course, there were all of the usual comments, asking why a guy like him was doing makeup videos on Youtube, guys weren’t meant to do makeup, all of the usual hate messages and people who obviously didn’t bother looking at the video, saying that their look came out totally wrong and it was all his fault for not directing them properly.

 

He replied to the nicer messages, wrote down product suggestions in his notebook dedicated to such things, ignoring the nastier messages, and standing up to go and get himself some nice hot coffee.

 

Sipping at it, he sighed as a particularly painful throb surged behind his eyes. He looked at the stack of bills on his computer desk as he put his mug down.

 

Being a makeup artist on Youtube wasn’t exactly the highest paying job, especially not when you were a male, though the novelty of it got him a few extra views and subscribers. He worked with his older brother, Dirk, when he had the time, assisting him as a mechanic for his robotics business, and ultimately helping their oldest brother D run his production company, taking messages from time to time and driving D places because the cheapskate still took the bus.

 

His alternate jobs were pretty fucking weird, considering what he usually did for a living, but Dirk had taught him the basics as they grew up, and he had expanded his skills up until the point that he decided what he wanted to do with his life.

That particular revelation had come along with one of his best friends, Terezi Pyrope. Being blind, she wasn’t exactly able to see her makeup, and it was a bit of a pain for her to do, so she requested he help her out one day, despite guys being renowned to have no skill with makeup at all.

After he was done, all of her friends called her makeup rather stunning, and he had been surprised when her friend Vriska arrived at his house one night, asking for him to do her makeup before her date (which ended up being with Terezi, anyway), and then Nepeta asking for him to do her makeup because she was going to visit a ‘purrety special fur-end!’ She returned home single and slightly disappointed, but eventually took up with Feferi, who seemed pleased by the whole thing.

Then his sisters, Rose and Roxy, started requesting he help with their makeup every day, and he realized  that he actually enjoyed doing it, applying makeup and making his friends look beautiful. So, he took a couple of courses, which lead to a degree in cosmetology, which lead to Dave Strider, makeup artist, cosmetician, aesthetician and all around badass.

Badass though he was, he was still practically broke. Maintaining his makeup collection wasn’t free, despite the products that were occasionally sent to him from companies. Keeping his channel running wasn’t cheap, from replacing old makeup, to buying lights to make sure he wasn’t a totally washed out freak.

His bills rose every month, and his rent was nothing to sneeze at, despite it being a fairly small place, with only two rooms and a small kitchen. He sighed quietly and picked up the newspaper, going to see if someone might be looking for an apartment. He could stay with Dirk until he got back on his feet.

And… there it was. ‘Seeking roommate that won’t mind a bit of noise. Plenty of closet space, amenities provided as long as you split the rent and the bill with me. The bathroom has a shower/bath combination. Contact K. Vantas for more information.’ No rent shown, but… he kind of trusted that this would go well for him. He looked at the listed number, took a deep breath, and took out his phone, dialing.

“I swear, Sollux, if this is you trying to prank call me again, it’s not fucking funny.” The voice on the other end of the line was throaty and slightly rough, as if the man did a lot of talking. Or shouting. He did say on the advertisement that his roommate would have to mind a bit of noise.

“Sorry, no, I’m Dave Strider, I saw your ad in the paper looking for a roommate.”

“Oh, shit, I’m so sorry, I probably made the worst first impression just then. Uh, right, roommate. Any pressing info you need?”

“Well, how much the rent and shit would be, preferably. Don’t worry, Mr. Vantas, you didn’t make a bad first impression, takes more than that to freak me out.”

“Alright, I can email you all the details and shit once I work out how much all of it is, I’d need to talk to my landlord before I get shit nailed down.”

“No offence, man, but aren’t you meant to work out all of that before you advertise?”

“I know, I know! Sol- my friend, told me the same thing. But it’s a bit fucking late now. Surprisingly, you’re the only one to ask so far. So, what’s your email? I’m a lot better at talking over text instead of… actual talking, fuck, that came out so stupid, the worst. Sorry, ugh.”

Dave smirks, giving Mr. Vantas his email address, though he uses one that’s separate from his personal account and his business account, just to be safe.

 

He soon learns the man’s name is Karkat, the rent is amazingly affordable compared to what he was paying for his own apartment, and the spare room was actually soundproofed. Perfect.

 

He decides to arrange a meeting, in a public coffee shop, bringing his sister Rose along to psychoanalyse his possible roommate. Rose was a psychiatrist, and apart from her tendency to diagnose all of her family with Freudian impulses, she was pretty damn good. Karkat had chosen to bring Sollux along. Neither of them were reckless enough to meet up by themselves, and Dave thought the whole deal was a little too good to be true, which was why he had arranged it so publicly. He figured his audience wasn’t wide enough that he would be very widely recognized at the coffee shop.

 

Sitting at one of the tables, sipping at his hazelnut white chocolate mocha (one of his few concessions to his slightly hipster-y appearance), Dave looked around, slightly nervous. Rose patted his arm soothingly. “David, calm yourself.  If he tries to murder you, I have mace.”

“Real comforting, sis.”

“I try.”

“C’mon, Rose, he’s not gonna murder me. All I’m hopin’ for is that the guy isn’t an overweight creep with a thinning hairline. And even then, I’m pretty desperate, I’d still ask about the room.”

“You know you’re always welcome to my home, David.”

“Not that desperate, Rose.”

 

The door of the coffee shop opens to an unremarkable young man, dark hair and golden tan, eyes hidden by a pair of glasses. Dave is kind of hoping that might be Karkat, but he’s fairly sure it isn’t. Following after him is a shorter man, his skin as dark as Rose’s coffee (She took it black, one sugar and a shot of mint. Dave constantly tried to get her to stop drinking liquid sin), his pale green eyes a vivid contrast, almost as shocking as the mouth on the man, lips plump and soft looking, and oh god he was looking this way.

 

“Come on, KK, chill, if someone tries to murder you, I’ve got mace and three years of martial arts classes, I’ll kick their ass.”

“You fucking idiot, I took those classes with you, I’m more than fucking capable of kicking a prick’s ass if he tries to mess with me.”

 

….Dear lord, that was Karkat. Couldn’t mistake that voice, or all of those colourful words.

 

He was possibly about to agree to move in with a male model.

 

Oh, goody.

 

\----

 

“You’re Karkat, right?” Karkat looks away from Sollux, who is snorting softly, to someone who was either Jack Frost in disguise or some kind of model, he wasn’t sure.

His hair was paler than the blonde of the girl beside him, probably his sister, if Dave’s emails were correct. His eyes were covered by some ridiculous aviators, pale brows the most that he could see above the rims of the glasses. His lips were nearly as pale as his skin, though ever so slightly pinkened, possibly from biting them.

 

Karkat was having a bit of a conniption.

 

“Yeah, and you’re Dave. And I figure that’s Rose? This dipshit is Sollux, Sollux, introduce yourself.”

“What he said. I’m Sollux. And I am here to make sure you don’t kill KK.” Sollux says dully, his lisp slurring his words slightly, but not enough to be a problem.

“I’ll at least wait until I’m all the way moved in, lower suspicions, then poison his drink and take the apartment for myself.”

“Fuck no, you’ll be tied up and locked in the closet if you so much as look at me funny.”

“Sorry, bro, came out of the closet years ago, can’t lock me back in there.” Dave replies smugly.

“Oh, just wait, you’re gonna be locked so far back in the fucking closet that you start wearing shitty sagging jeans and snapbacks.”

“No, babe, don’t make me wear the snapback, I promise I ain’t gonna poison you, just have mercy on my poor head.”

“Just fuck already.” This is coming from Rose, who has been calmly sipping at her coffee this whole time, looking up at the two of them with a faint smile.

“Nah, bro’s gotta buy me dinner before he’s invited into my bed.” Dave replies with a careless grin.

“Remind me never to share a meal with you, you might think I’m coming onto you.” Karkat interjects, scowling a little.

“I’m gonna trick you into goin’ to lunch with me and then I’m gonna propose.”

“I’m gonna shove your proposal up your ass.”

“You can shove somethin’ else up my ass.”

“You are fucking ridiculous.”

“Damn right I am.”

“Oh my god, the girl was right, just fuck already.” Sollux is the one piping up now, rolling his eyes at the pair in exasperation.

“Sollux, it takes month of careful courting to even get me in a bed with someone, let alone getting in a bed with someone and fucking them.”

“Doesn’t have to be on a bed, I’m flexible. Metaphorically and literally.”

“Oh my god, Strider, I will strangle you before we even move in together.”

“Kinky.”

“Oh my god, the two of you are perfect for each other. I’m gonna go, have fun making out.” Sollux states, moving to the line to buy himself a coffee before he left (half and half, two sugars, one shot of hazelnut and one shot of chocolate).

 

Rose stands, shrugging. “I might as well go too, you two seem to have everything covered. Dave, you know who to call if he starts trying to kill you. It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Vantas. Have a lovely day, both of you.”

 

Dave sits back down with his coffee, and Karkat huffs and takes Rose’s old seat, sitting beside him quietly.

“So. We’ve worked out rent, we know neither of us are serial killers as far as the other knows, and you’re cute. When can I move in?” Dave asks bluntly.

“When are you free?” Karkat replies, wisely deciding to ignore the compliment for now.

“I’m free now.”

“Well then. Wanna go get your stuff?”

“Sure, lemme finish my coffee.”

“Yeah, let me get a fuckin’ coffee for myself in the first place. Be right back.” Karkat flicks Dave on the nose, as if he’s done it a million times before, smiling softly at him and getting up to get in line.

 

“….Well, I’m absolutely fucked.” Dave groans to himself as he watches him go, scratching his head in slight embarrassment.

 

He hadn’t even moved in yet, and he was smitten with the foul mouthed beauty.

 

\---

 

“Guess what, my darling audience? I’m reporting to you from a new apartment! That’s right, new place, new me. So, when I was cleaning shit out, I realized I had a lot of makeup that’s about to go bad, so I’m gonna be making a ton of videos and scheduling them for later. I’m gonna take all of your suggestions into account, and the most popular ones will be comin’ to you first.

 

In other news, I have the cutest roommate in the world. Don’t tell him I said so. I know he doesn’t watch my videos, he’s too busy holed up in his room, shouting about one thing or another. That or he’s hogging the Netflix in the living room. Bastard.” Dave grins, impossibly fond.

 

“So, you might see him ‘round in some of my vlogs, whenever I decide to start up with ‘em again. Then you can wholly agree with me.”

\---

“So, I got a roommate, guys. If you hear a fuckton of shitty rap music in the background, that’s him. If you really find my home life interesting, I’ll do a video about it or something. But for now, we’ve got more interesting stuff to focus on, like Capcom’s recent announcement about the Resident Evil 2 remake. And can I say…. Fucking finally??!!?!”

\---

“Karkat, smile for me, honey, I gotta show all my adorin’ fans how pretty you are.” Dave says, waving his phone about, beaming.

 

“No, Dave, I’m not fucking smiling for you, that implies I feel any emotion but rage at assfuck hour in the goddamn morning. Go make coffee now before I tear your balls out via your throat.”

 

“So touchy, babe.  I’ll make your coffee. Four sugars or three today?”

 

“Four. And add extra coffee.”

 

“You got it. See, he’s a bit of a prick, but he’s a sweetie at heart, I’m tellin’ you.” Dave wisely tells the camera as he fills the coffee maker, screeching as Karkat slaps the back of his head.

\---

“Dave, get off the Netflix, it’s my turn.”

 

“No, Karkat. Get the camera out of my face, I’m watchin’ Btooom!, and you’re not gonna fuck it up for me. ‘Sides, you hogged the Netflix to watch Orphan Black for the past three days, lemme watch my stupid anime.”

 

“Hey, that show was a fucking masterpiece, Felix was the best character and I cherish him. You could have just watched it with me, y’know.”

 

“I don’t wanna watch your weird drama shows.”

 

“They’re not weird!”

 

“They are. Now get the camera out of my face, and leave me to my shitty anime.”

 

“…You’re a shitty anime.”

 

“Right back at ya, sweetpea.”

\---

\--omG did yoU see dave and karkat living together??? OTP!!!!! XD

\-- yeah i saw that omg there so cute together so kawaii i wanna squich them together!!!!!!!!!!!1111!

\--cant even belive

\--believe*

\--we shoUld write fanfic!!

\--ogm we shOULD!!!

\--and thEN WE CAN LINK IT TO THEM AND THYELL SEE HOW PERFECT THEY ARE TOGETHER!!!

\-- This is all well and good, girls, but what would we call the ship?

\-- davekat obv!

\-- Why not Kardave?

\-- bc dave is totes the top ;)

\-- No way, he’s a makeup artist on the internet while Karkat plays horror games for fun, he’s a bottom bitch all the way.

\-- why not just aks him? You kno him rite?

\-- Of course I know him, I raised him.

\-- yoU did not

\-- I did so.

\-- shuuuurure

\-- Okay, so I asked, and I was totally right. Want proof? Check your subscriptions tomorrow, it’ll be in the description.

\--bulshit!!! Imma check em

\-- Go right ahead.

\--------------------

\--!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg ur daves bro omgmgmgmmg!!!

\-- I don’t think it really needs that much punctuation. But yes. I am.

\-- :o omg im so honred

\-- I’m flattered that you’re honoured? I guess?

\--  u shuld b

\-- Sorry, Dirk has to go now, he’s been devoting too much time to youtube comments and not enough to me, have a nice day.

\-- ooooooooooooooooo who dat

\-- My boyfriend. He’s a menace, just ignore him. But I probably should go, Hal likes to bite if I take too long to join him.

\-- !!!!!! kikny

\-- I know. Have fun with your fanfiction, girls, I’ll make sure he reads all of it.

\----

“…..What am I seeing right now?”

 

“I thought it was pretty obvious, Karkat.”

 

“Did someone actually spend laborious amounts of fucking time in the effort to write me- no, us- this piece of…. writing?”

 

“That’s the definition of fanfiction, sweetcheeks. My bro sent it to me, said the writers worked real hard on it.”

 

“And you’ve already read it?”

 

“Damn right I’ve read it. Shit’s hilarious. You have fun with that.”

 

With that, Dave leaves Karkat alone in the living room with a laptop currently on some kind of forum site, where someone had spent hours, maybe even days, writing porn about him and his roommate.

He wondered absently why they had gone to so much effort, Dave was just his roommate, and he himself was just a humble Youtuber, but he didn’t question it. If there were people in the world that were remotely interesting, and online, there would probably be fanfiction of them. Dave was clearly just the exception to this or something. Though, he did spend a lot of time in his room, and he had a big box of something in his closet, though Karkat didn’t snoop or anything. Not yet anyway. Perhaps he was more than just a casual vlogger, posting his shit to tumblr or something. He could probably google it and find out, but right now, he had some fanfiction to read, apparently.

\---

He was barely three lines in and he was already laughing. The misspelling in the writing was kind of embarrassing, and only through sheer force of will could he decode the words. The scene was kind of cliché, with Dave obviously pining over his roommate as Karkat walked around obliviously in next to nothing.

 

And then all of a sudden they were in Karkat’s room and having obscenely detailed sex. This scene was written with far too much detail, and it was a lot better in terms of spelling, which made him think someone else must have written it.

 

He wondered if the writer was right about the freckles on Dave’s back.

 

Why was he even thinking about that? Dear lord. The fanfiction was warping his brain.

 

He then had a passing thought about the possibility of the little mole in a shape of a heart just above the dimple in Dave’s ass.

 

This writer either knew a fuckton about Dave or he was bullshitting it all.

 

He shouldn’t even be caring about this.

 

But he does a little.

 

And now he needs to take a cold shower.

 

Because, against all odds, all sense of reason, reading a fanfic about him and his own dumbass roommate got him hard.

 

And he had no idea what to do about that.

\-------------

“So.”

 

“So…”

 

“You do makeup. On yourself. For money. On the internet.” Karkat says slowly, browsing quietly through Dave’s channel, wondering how he had never even noticed this before.

“Yep. Pays the bills. Pays our bills, to be precise. I do have another job on the side, I work as a mechanic with Dirk and his boyfriend.”

 

“They’re mechanics? You’re a mechanic? And a makeup artist?”

“Yes to all of those. Hal got into it first, pulled Dirk into it, who pulled me into it. I’ve known how to change a tyre since I was five years old, and if I really needed to, I could probably make a rudimentary fighting bot. Hal taught me that one. He’s more into the robots, while Dirk does the regular stuff, cars, maintenance, sex machines, the works.” Dave explains, perfectly straight faced throughout the whole explanation.

 

“….Did I hear you just say sex machines with a straight face.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Your family is fucking insane.”

 

“Hey, don’t knock it til you try it.”

 

“I don’t even want to know what that implies.”

 

“You sure? I can tell you stories that’ll make your hair curl.”

 

“My hair’s already pretty curly.”

 

“…..Okay, make your hair straighten, then.”

“Hair aside, I don’t wanna hear your stories. I just wanna get to the bottom of this. You’re a Youtuber as well.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And… people ship us.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“….Hm.”

 

“Wanna make out or something?” Dave asks, face just as straight as before.

 

“Yes. Wait. What?” Karkat replies, more absent than anything until he realized what Dave had just

asked.

 

“You heard me.”

 

“I was kind of hoping I hadn’t, honestly.”

 

“Aw, you’re not a little bit curious?”

 

“About what? About you? About making out? I’ve kissed people before, you know.”

 

“I’m sure you have, Vantas. I mean, I know you read the fanfiction, your browser history isn’t that hard to find. So, why not try reality?” Dave asks curiously, brows raised over his ever present shades. Karkat can only barely make out the shape of them, his brows are so pale compared to his hair, which he’s almost entirely sure is dyed.

 

“Because you’re actually good at sex in those, god knows you’re probably awful in reality.”

 

“You won’t know until you try it out.”

 

“True. But maybe I don’t want to.” Karkat says quickly, maybe a bit too quickly, dark skin flushing.

 

“Oh, sure you do.”

 

“How would you know? You can’t read my mind or anything.”

 

“No, I can’t, but I see you staring at me, it’s like a giant flaming beacon.”

 

“I do not stare at you!”

 

“Just because I have these on, doesn’t mean I’m blind.” Dave says, tapping the rim of his shades.

 

“Just because you think you see me looking at you doesn’t mean I am. I could be looking at something near you, or just staring into space, and you just happen to be there.”

 

“The fact that you’re taking so much time to try and dismiss this theory makes me think that I’m right.”

 

“The fact that you’re being so persistent about it makes me think you’re either really desperate for company or you’re really desperate for my junk.”

 

“Why not both?”

 

“You’re joking, right?”

 

“Do I look like I’m joking? I’ve been flirting with you since we met at that stupid coffee shop, dude, get with the program.”

“Okay, sure, right, whatever you say, cockwit, it totally makes sense that you’ve decided to flirt with me of all people.”

 

“Yes, it does.”

 

“No, it doesn’t! That was sarcasm, Dave, sarcasm. I know you can’t seem to tell the difference between sarcasm and when someone is genuinely talking to you, but if I have to employ a sarcasm button so that you’ll always know, I will invest in getting one for now. But until then,” He makes a shrill sort of beeping noise, “That is my sarcasm button. Now. Explain.”

 

“Okay, first? Don’t ever make that noise again. Not sexy at all. Second. So.  I saw your friend in the coffee shop before you walked in, and I thought, well, he’s cute.”

 

“This isn’t really helping your ca-“ “I wasn’t finished, Vantas, shut that pretty mouth of yours for a moment.”

 

“I- Okay.”

 

“So. As I said. He’s cute. But then you walked in after him, and I really, really hoped that you were my roommate and not him. I mean, sure, you’re a little plainer than him, but you’ve got those gorgeous eyes, and this look in your eyes like you have no idea how gorgeous you could be, and then you opened your mouth and that filthy mouth of yours told me for sure that it was you. You have no idea how relieved I was. It woulda been nice to have Sollux as a roommate, I’m sure, but I definitely prefer you.”

 

“…I. Um.” Karkat stammers, for once, totally lost for words. Thankfully (and perhaps unfortunately), Dave had enough words for the both of them left.

 

“Okay, so I know this is a total bombshell, much like yourself, sorry, couldn’t help it. And if you’re not interested, that’s totally fine, I wouldn’t even blame you, I’m just a shitty guy who makes makeup videos on the internet, despite being, as I mentioned, a guy.  But I’m super, super into you, and have been ever since I saw you at the shop, maybe even since before then, since you answered the phone with that colourful language. So. There’s always that. I mean me. As an option. If you ever decided you wanted to try it out. And you definitely don’t have to, I mean, obviously you don’t have to, but. Yeah. It’s open. I mean I am. I mean open to… dating. And stuff.”

 

He buries his face in his hands, groaning. “Mother of shit, I’m going about this in the worst fucking way, just tell me to shut up if I’m getting too repetitive for you, Kitkat.”

 

“Shut up, Dave, you ridiculous idiot.”

 

“Thanks.”

Karkat has no idea what he’s meant to think here. On one hand, Dave is a fucking idiot, and an asshole, and constantly took up too much time in the bathroom, dismissing it as an old habit that his brother and his brother’s boyfriend had instilled in him, since those two took longer in the shower together than two of Dave’s showers combined. Karkat had deadpanned that it was because they were probably fucking in there, but Dave retorted, just as deadpan, that they didn’t have sex in there after the incident where Hal broke an ankle and now stuck to strictly foreplay in the shower. Karkat then had to talk himself out of bleaching his brain to purge that thought out of his head.

 

But on the other, hopefully less wordy hand, Dave seemed earnest about his interest. He had rambled on like a fucking dork, but had then actively stopped himself from rambling in fears that he had alienated Karkat. And… he really was curious about those little marks on Dave’s body that he had read about, as he was now kind of fearful that the writing was actually totally right and the information had been gotten from Dave’s brother. He was not sure how to feel about Dave’s brother co-writing porn about his own brother and his brother’s roommate. But he was getting off track again. Dave was sweet, and caring, and funny as hell, and he was interested in him. That was the most surprising thing. Dave, who was practically a male model in and of himself, was interested in plain old him. Karkat Vantas, with the hair that never laid flat, and the skin that was far from perfection in most people’s eyes.

 

He takes a deep breath, lets it out, and hopes he isn’t going to regret this.

 

“Okay. Let’s go make out.”

 

“Y- I- You’re serious?” Dave asks, blinking in total surprise.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh. Well, fuck me.”

 

“Maybe another time.” Karkat smirks and wiggles his brows, crooking his finger and walking backwards into his bedroom, guiding Dave in.

 

Dave is a little dazed, but follows.

\----

“They really were right about that mole above the dimple of your ass.” Karkat murmurs sleepily, smiling a little and stroking over the mark.

 

“Course they were, Bro was the one who wrote it.”

 

“I was afraid you’d say that.”

 

“Yeah. Hal thought it was fucking hilarious, emailed it to me and told me to be nice when I reviewed it.”

 

“Reviewed it?”

 

“Mm, Dirk writes sometimes, Hal emails it to me and I email him back with what I thought about it.”

 

“You beta read your brother’s fanfiction.”

 

“Not always fanfiction. And I just review, Hal beta reads. Fixes the formatting.”

 

“This is not the point, the point is that you brother writes fanfiction. About you.”

 

“Mhmm. He knows more about me than anyone else writing about me, it makes sense. Plus, he’s hella objective about it.”

 

“Still weird.”

 

“He bought me my first sex toy for my birthday, man, I’m used to it by now.”

 

“I’m just… going to enjoy the afterglow and never think about that again.”

 

“I’m sure he’ll bring it up when you meet him.”

 

“Please give me a week for a honeymoon period, then sic your brother on me.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure Hal won’t let him come visit for at least that long, he knows the meaning of decency, some of the time.”

 

“How long have those two even been together anyway?”

 

“Who knows. Longer than I’ve been around.”

 

“That’s a long time.”

 

“I’m not that old. But yeah. They had a period where they were broken up. Bro dated some English guy for about a month, but then he left to go travelling and he and Hal made up again. I don’t ask what they were fighting about because they get upset if I bring it up.”

 

“You’re older than me.”

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“You’re a grumpy old man.”

 

“I’m a sexy old man.”

 

“Nah.”

 

“That’s not a decent retort, you know.” Dave snorts, burying his face in Karkat’s messy hair.

 

“Shh. I’m allowed my period of mindlessness. Let me be dumb a lil bit longer.”

 

“Never. You’ve gotta be the smart one, to make up for this dumbass right here.”

 

“Can I rethink this relationship, then? I don’t wanna always be the smart one.”

 

“You’re stuck with me now, darlin’, no rethinkin’ required.”

 

“You’re so cute when you drawl. Keep doing that.”

 

“Whatever you want, sugar.”

\------

Making a joint channel was a lot easier than one would think, considering one of them was a makeup artist and the other played horror games.

 

Dave was worse than Karkat ever had been at horror games. The difference was, he enjoyed the mindless cashgrabbing games that got sent to them. He played them while Karkat rolled his eyes in the background.

 

They did dumb makeup challenges, where Dave had to close his eyes and subject himself to the tender mercies of Karkat with a mascara wand.

 

If you thought Dave was bad at playing games, you had not seen the terror that was Karkat trying to do makeup.

 

It was a mess.

 

Dave loved every second of it. He took one look at himself in the mirror, and remarked fondly, “I didn’t know you did makeup for the Lochness Monster, sugarplum.”

 

“I didn’t know that assholes could verbalize, but would you look at that, you’re talking.” Karkat cheerfully replies, kissing Dave’s lips and not even caring when Dave kissed all over his face and the lipstick smudged all over his dark cheeks, the color bright against his skin.

\---

“You’re absolutely sure you wouldn’t wanna try out some of our products? We wouldn’t even charge that much, friends and family benefit and all that.” Dirk is sitting calmly on their couch, while Hal is poking around their living room, with no concept of personal space whatsoever.

 

“No, really, we’re good. I mean, you can ask Dave properly when he gets home, but I’m pretty sure he’d say no. Or he’d say yes just to spite me.” Karkat says politely, internally screaming, stuck between disbelief and a total lack of surprise that Dave’s brother and his boyfriend were offering to make them sex toys.

 

“Damn right he would, that’s the boy I raised.” Hal pipes up.

 

“You didn’t raise him, idiot.” Dirk says happily. “It was a joint effort.”

 

“I did so. I raised him on tender love, motor oil and tasteful vibrators.”

 

“That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.” Karkat interjects.

 

“See? The man gets me.” He flops into Karkat’s lap, his shock of red and black dyed hair flopping a little as it settles. Karkat lets out a huff as the wind is taken out of him. Hal hugs Karkat tightly, the smile lines around his eyes growing a little deeper as he grins.

 

“Oh my god, darling, get out of Karkat’s lap, the poor boy doesn’t need a pervert like you grinding up on him.”

 

“Never. I’m sure he doesn’t mind.” Hal bats his lashes at Karkat. “Don’t you?”

 

“Please stop harassing my boyfriend, Hal, that’s my job.” A voice rings out from the doorway, and Karkat smiles in relief at the sight of Dave, carrying two bags full of groceries.

 

“You got the stuff?” Dirk asks, raising his brows. Karkat looks between them in confusion.

 

“Always, bro.” He sets the bags down in the kitchen, tossing a bag of Cheetos at Dirk, and Doritos to Hal, both of them catching them eagerly. Hal gets out of Karkat’s lap, winking at him before sitting at Dirk’s side, tucking his head into the crook of his neck.

 

“Pass me a cheeto, dear.”

 

“No.”

 

“You’re a dick.”

 

“You love me.”

 

“Doesn’t make you any less of a dick.”

 

Karkat chuckles, standing up and joining Dave in the kitchen, helping put the other groceries away. “Are they married? Or do they just sit around, finishing each other’s sentences.”

 

“Not married yet, but I know that Dirk’s probably thinkin’ bout it. They do this a lot, though they’re playin’ it up for you. Gotta make a good first impression. Usually they’re shoving each other around the apartment and sometimes making out. Depends on whether they’re bored or not.”

 

“God, we’re gonna be just like them, aren’t we.”

 

“Probably. You got a problem with that?”

 

“Nah. As long as we don’t end up just like Hal, I’m good.”

 

“Aw, c’mon, Karkitten, everyone wants to be like me.” Hal says, peeping in from the doorway.

 

“Nobody sane wants to be like him.” Dirk amends, joining Hal and taking his hand.

 

“You mean, everybody cool wants to be like me, babe.”

 

“Yeah, sure, whatever. We’re gonna head out, and take our prizes with us.” Dirk says, shaking his head in exasperation at Hal.

 

“Yes, we’re taking our prizes.” Hal steps forward, picking Karkat up and hauling him towards the door.

 

“Hal, put him down.”

 

“Maybe later.”

 

“Put me down.”

 

“Maybe later.”

 

“So help me, Hal, I will bite you or something.”

 

“Sorry, honey, my life partner probably won’t like you hitting on me. Nor would yours.”

 

“Oh my god.” Dave groans, stepping forward and plucking Karkat out of the taller man’s arms and setting him on the couch, as if his boyfriend’s weight was nothing. “Out of my house, scoundrel.

Take your husband with you.” He orders Hal.

“Did you hear that, husband? We’re not wanted. Let’s go.” Hal pouts, but takes Dirk’s hand and pulls him out of the room.

 

“It was good seeing you two!” Dirk calls from the hall before the door closes behind him.

 

“Your family is insane.” Karkat sighs as he slumps into the couch.

 

“I know.” Dave replies, grinning and sitting beside him.

 

“You’re just lucky my family is worse.”

 

“Worse?”

 

“Oh, trust me, Dave. You haven’t seen crazy until you’ve met my big brother Kankri.”

 

“I can’t wait.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, there we have it, the first fic for my Davekat week submissions. Tomorrow's theme is Species Swap, and I personally really like my fic for tomorrow! Anyone who wasn't able to submit a work for Day 1, you can get working on your Species Swap work (If it's August 30 whilst you're reading this, if not, sorry!), and submit it then!
> 
> Our blog is davekatweek.tumblr.com, so feel free to submit your work, don't be shy!


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